You know what I'm thinking right now? Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan should make another movie together. Ewness, I am still soooo tingling all over. I have to write about this. I have to, I have to. :P

Last Tuesday, I bought a VCD copy of You've Got Mail from Galleria (because I am too rich I've got nothing to do with my money haha--NOT!). I just finished watching it now. I can blabber about all my favorite scenes in the movie but I figured.. that's gona be too torturous for you to read so I decided to just stick to one: The breakup scene. Haha, anuba, go singles' club? :P

So there was Kathleen (Meg Ryan) and Frank (her boyfriend in the movie) breaking up because they both realized they didn't love each other enough to stay together. I was teary-eyed mygulay. Although the breakup's more on the funny side, I still couldn't help it. Maybe because all these months I've unconsciously developed this soft spot for couples who just broke up. I tell you, when you once found yourself in that situation, it's as if you were bestowed a deeper understanding of how depression and pain is like that you feel as if you HAVE TO be there for the next brokenhearted person who happens to be within your reach (even if they're inside a TV screen hehe). A basta. Ganun.

Anyway, when Frank said "So what about you.. is there someone else?" and Kathleen replied "No, no.. but there's the dream of someone else," I totally lost it. I was crying like a madman. Kadiri, anuba. Pfft. Don't worry, I wasn't crying because it made me depressed. I just thought it's sweet, I started to feel fuzzy all over, is all. (Am I beginning to sound annoying? Gaaah)

B-b-buuut, can I help it? I'm XX-chromosomed! I have a license to blog icky things once in a while. (I can name two guys who've navigated away from this page by now hehe). Haynakooo bahala kayo. I dunker. :P

So, admit it, you've seen the ooold film huh? To those who're brave enough to admit, can you picture it in your mind, yung last part? Joe appearing from the bushes around the curve; Kathleen smiling so broadly she's almost crying; Joe approaching her with his dog, Brinkley; Joe wiping away her tears, saying, "Don't cry Shopgirl, don't cry.." (which made her cry even more); and finally, Kathleen saying through her tears, "I wanted it to be you.. I wanted it to be you so badly.." Haha. Kinilig ako nakanamen. Ohhh geesssh I am soooo cheesy it's almost.. yucky.

You have to forget I blogged this one. Heh.

Ano kaya? Would I get to say that too someday (I wanted it to be you so badlyyy....)? Have I yet to meet him? Or have I known him all this time? Is he Australian? (Waah gusto kong pumunta sa Oz pffftt) Haaay. It's exciting to think about it. And I have all the time in the world to know. I can wait. :)

Friendster Status Part II

Life is just so full of surprises, don't you think? A few months ago I didn't think I'd be able to enjoy a romantic film again without being sorry for myself. A year ago I didn't think I'd be back to being single again this year. Then again, two years ago I didn't think God would make my path cross with someone who's going to change my life forever. I have a lot to learn. Being the OC that I am, I get discouraged when unexpected changes get in the way. I become restless when my schedule gets altered. I can't make decisions on the spot because I know I make impulsive choices which will only leave me with too much regret. I ask a lot of questions because I want to know everything, to have every angle covered. I want to take control, to manipulate variables so I can arrive at a result that is most beneficial to myself.

Because I am naturally like that, I fail to experience the joy of not knowing what's gona happen next. Now I realize that the only times I am really, truly happy are those times when I let go of what I know and let God maneuver my life wherever He wills.

Suddenly, I find peace in not knowing. Suddenly, my fears are replaced with excitement and anticipation for things to come. I'm excited to live, to learn, and to love again. And I'm excited to find out what God's gona make out of this.

Yes, there are still times when the simplest of things remind me of what used to be (like a box of Nerds candies, or a blaus I used to wear all the time because it was his favorite, or a song he used to sing). And there are still nights when I find myself wiping a tear or two under the sheets. However, even in times like these, I find peace. It's hard to forget, yes, but then I realized, maybe I need not. After all, God allowed it to happen. It was real. It happened right before my unbelieving eyes. I fell in love. Everything is worth remembering. And I wouldn't trade it for anything else. c",)

I don't know what made me play my dusty luuuuv playlist (the sentimental, mushy icky radio stuff that runneth from as classic as David Gates to as jologs as Kyla and Paolo Santos) at this time of the day. On a Sunday, no less. I must be experiencing jetlag from the past week's graveyard shift, coz I woke up too early today to prepare for this morning's worship service--unusually too early I start to wonder if it's good or bad. Pffft.

Eh kasi naman. It's times like this (considering I don't have work to do) when I start (over)analyzing my life again. What-could-have-beens, what-should-have-beens, what-ifs, yadda yadda. Hay. I miss those times when I have all the license to enjoy stupidity--that which comes with being young (and wild and free). I'm 23 years of age and even if older people would try to convince me that I'm still so young, I feel as if I'm past the trial-and-error stage already and whatever road I choose right now will ultimately lead me to the kind of life I'm gona live hereforth. This is IT already. And, unlike college which was a preparation to the real thing, my life as it is now is the REAL thing. No more time to try one relationship after another and see which one will work. No more excuses to make the same mistakes twice and try to fix the familiar mess (and consequences) over again.

But er, yeah. That's just the OC in me talking. After all, I don't think I have BIG decisions to make right this moment. I'm living one day at a time, at my own pace, praying every second that each step I take is towards the direction that God wants me to take. I'd welcome opportunities to take blind leaps to the unknown, I kindof miss that feeling. Given the chance, I'd like to try new things (now I'm officially contradicting myself haha), and hopefully, succeed in them. But ONLY IF all the lights are green and I know for sure that the GO signals are not solely based on my guts and erratic emotional highs. Only if I'm sure that Someone greater than myself, and greater than this world, is orchestrating the traffic (and not myself). I don't want to speed up and beat any red lights too, red marks on my license is the last thing I need.

Ok, enough (over)analyzing. Let's talk trivial things. I just resigned (read: the contract expired and I chose not to renew with them anymore) from this one part-time job I've been doing for the past 6 months, and I've never felt more relieved. Now I'm keeping just one regular part-time raket, and my full-time, plus occasional rakets here and there. Meaning, less moolah BUT more space to breathe. Yay. :P

Oh, and I haven't gotten over X-Men (and the unexpected deaths and twists) just yet. I have a new mobile phone (ohhh wow I can't believe I didn't blog about this, I will soon hehe) and I'm back to being a GLOBE baby. The SUN is still shining, though. I acquired two new pairs of rubbershoes in a span of a week (thanks Ate Dots and Kuya Mitch for my Merrells, I soooo love them). Some loved ones came and went, some just arrived, some are about to leave, and I had/am having uber-fun time with them. NERD is the new COOL, I want to have REAL glasses.

And I'm shifting to my Hillsong United playlist RIGHT NOW.

Haay. Today is June 11--once again, a milestone in my Spiritual life. I'm thinking BIG but careful and perfectly timed steps (and leaps) from hereon. Life is about to turn rollercoastercrazi-er. Yay. :)

I'm off to church. Meanwhile, check out Pat's new blog. I didn't have much of a choice. She cajoled, bribed and blackmailed me, much to her enjoyment. She succeeded, didn't she? Go check her out. :)

You're getting older but you're still blooming, still growing more beautiful each day. It has constantly amazed me how you manage to take care of four stubborn and occasionally annoying kids grownups (me, my two brothers and Dad) and still stay calm, beautiful, and graceful under pressure.

So hey, Mom, we may not understand each other all the time (or so it often seems) but I've come face to face with the reality that having you as my Mom makes me understand myself more, and gives me a glimpse of what kind of Mom I'm gonna be like someday. And I'm glad. And excited. And uber-thankful. After all, I've always thought you're the best.. and I've always been proud of my genes. :)

Ohh this was taken a long time ago, but my Mom, add just a few wrinkles and eyebags here and there (acceptable signs of mommyhood), looks just as lovely. ;)

Thanks, Mommy. Happy Birthday, late as this post may be. I know I don't say it that much, but I thought, perhaps it's about time I say it more often. I love you. ♥ Minsan hindi lang talaga halata. :P

[What used to be a friends-only post]

Long post. Don't say you weren't warned. :P

I finally had the courage to change my friendster status from "It's Complicated" to "Single". It's a big step for me, finally admitting to the friendster world (albeit most friendster people won't care anyway) that I am, once again, back to the singles' market.

Not like it's a big secret. My family knows. My closest friends know, even the not-so-close ones. When asked if I have a boyfriend, I'd say NO. It's just that.. some church friends and relatives still assume that we're still together, and I don't exactly correct them. And I choose not to blog about it, either. (Until now, that is.) Sometimes, I feel as if I'm still in a state of denial, pretending that Mikks and I are still together even though we decided to break up almost half a year already. (Yay, has it really been 6months?)

But it's not like we've gone separate ways either. Mikks, as he promised, stayed. And amazingly, he's still here, in my life, being the same special friend he's always been since that one day in November of 2004. He volunteers to be my part-time boyfriend too, if needed, and so am I to him. Of course it ain't exactly as it was before, but we still talk over the phone almost regularly, we go out once in a while, we laugh at and contemplate about the silliness of the past year, I still get to hear his new songs before anyone else, and we still think and dream together.

Mikks recently said that maybe, some couples need to break up even before they have to. It's tough, especially if you know you're doing it because you love each other too much it hurts. We were young, immature, stubborn, and we had a lot to learn about love, commitment, and submitting our relationship to God. Sometimes we still wonder if we made the right decision to break up, realizing in the end that perhaps, it was God who made the decision for us to begin with. He gaveth, He taketh away. And there's no reason for us to question His wisdom. His ways are always higher than ours.

Besides, the past six months has been the most life-changing phase of my life. It was during those nights of depression that I learned to cling to God's promises even more—definitely my most intimate moments with Him. Career-wise, I went a notch ahead—getting freelance gigs here and there which doubled/tripled my income, as well as my experience. I learned to drive, and I acquired my non-pro a month after the breakup (therapeutic, definitely). I earned and spent the most moolah in my entire 23 years of existence (I wish I saved the most too, but NO, haha) and was able to help my parents with the finances in my own little way. Unexpected friendships were formed, thanks to girlfriends who don't mind ranting and listening for hours over cups of coffee, what else Starbucks is for (eh hanufangava, magsamasama tayong mga bakla hehe). Old friendships were rekindled as well—along with the realization that I am sooo blessed with family and friends and workmates who know me and understand me even when I don't have to explain too much.

I started going out with guy friends too. I've had friendly dates here and there, and have started considering other prospects. I always compare them to Mikks, though, and so far, no one has yet to come close (he doesn't have to know, though, hehe). I don't want to put my hopes above the clouds again but maybe that's what Mikks meant when he said that someday, perhaps, if we still ended up together, we would know for sure that it's not because he's the only option I had but because he's my best laid card. And vice versa. Perhaps, someday, if we get back together (or if I end up with someone else after all), it's not because of our doing but God's.

Thinking about possibilities has become a daily occurrence, and little by little, adapting to change and taking leaps of faith has become a challenge rather than fear. Gone are those days when I pity myself for my lonely existence. To say that I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN would have been a good boost to my self-esteem, but truth is, I've learned that the only way I can move on is through the full acceptance that I CAN'T DO IT ON MY OWN. I need help. I need comfort. I need prayers. I need guidance. I need girlfriends to go shopping and ukay-ing with when I can't handle the pressure anymore, and brothers (and guy-friends) who have no choice but to be my semi-punching bags when I'm too stressed. And I need a God who knows what He's doing because I don't exactly know what to do.

I still love Mikks. I love him a different way each day. I guess it's safe to say that this love has evolved to a new level—one where there's no more room for petty fights, and jealousy, and selfishness, and stubbornness; and one where there's limitless space for understanding, genuine friendship, and acceptance. And I'm not scared anymore if we don't end up together or if God leads us to different directions. My business now lies in striving to become the perfect girl that would look really pretty and would match beautifully with His perfect plan.

So if you happen to login to friendster, drop by my account and see for yourself the big proud "Single" status. And while you're at it, imagine God's signature scrawled just beside. This is how He wants it to be this time. And it will stay this way until (and only until) He thinks I'm ready to move one step forward again.

Before anything else, someone's coming back to the net scene. Go check Mikks' geeky turf. It's still under construction but it's everything you'd expect from The Geek himself. He's got new songs up too. Go go go roam free in his pad. CLICK HERE. :P

Haaay. I'm turning 23 in less than twentyfour hours, and I have a date in a few (yikee may date ako blushblush). 'Really didn't plan on creating a makeover layout at a time like this, after all, I was still enjoying the previous one. So yes, this is just a spur-of-the-moment kinda thing, a surprise birthday gift to myself (Pfft, I'm such a schitzo!). Dontchu just luuuv colors? Yayness. Pinkpinkpink. Pink is soo playful and pretty and girly, I soo love it. And green is soo full of confidence and life. Just the perfect combination to start another year in this oh-so-theatrical life of mine. 23. Yeah. :)

Yuck I'm getting older, pero for some reason, I'm glad to be turning 23. Obvious ba, the number's all over this place. I duno why. Maybe because it's Michael Jordan's number. Or maybe because it doesn't sound too old, doesn't sound too young either. I'm reaching quarter-life and I figured, in a few years time I'd be among them older people who stopped counting birthdays at the age of 25. So I might as well enjoy this age and be proud. :D

(Today I made a birthday wishlist.) Ehem, so you know what to get for me, haha. Just kidding. Uh, sige na nga, half-kidding. Teehee. :P

But then I realized, as I always do, that I've already got everything I need to last another year. Inspite of the scars, bruises, and eyebags I've acquired along the way, I have a God who never changes, and my life is sooo full of love. What more to ask? c",)

Yay, twentythree in a few hours weeee!! I can feel it now.. this is going to be one lovely, lovely year. :)

Er. Parang ganun. Hehe. Today I shall blog with you, JC patriots and wannabes, in mind. :P So I was just reading the Daily Bread Online, and there goes that word again, "yoke." Haynaku. If God's message was a tower bell, it'd be ringing in gazillion decibles. If it's to be typed in word document format, it'd be capitalized, underlined, italicized, and highlighted red.

So we had a pretty good (and very timely, if I do say so myself) beating last Sunday during our church's worship service, thanks to Pastor Dave's very meaningful message. "Yoke" was, if not THE word of the day, amongst them that made striking red marks on my notes. But now that the "dug-out" phase is over, and it's time for some serious and daring action, I find myself restless, weak on my knees, and asking, why does it have to be this hard? It often scares me, whenever I hear messages like the one we heard last Sunday. It's as if they serve to warn me of a coming storm. Of an obstacle up ahead. Or of decisions that have to be made not tomorrow, not next week, but NOW.

I wonder, do you guys feel it too? That constant challenge to choose Him over the "cheap thrills" (thanks for the term, Pat) this life has to offer? That constant assurance that choosing Him is the only thing that satisfies?

It's a long way to go, indeed. And it's tough making choices. Alamona, it's easier said than done yadda yadda. But if we want to go far, the first steps have to be made now.

Kaya haay, grouphug na. Tapos, punasan na ang mga uhog at luha and start moving forward. By God's grace, we can run this race in flying colors. Kaya naten to. :)

Edit. (Because we're pretty like that.) There you go, Marian, kasama ka na. No more excuses whaha. :P

I'm feeling artsy today, and so I boast of some of my brilliant, brilliant works of art. :P

Artwork One. When a pen happens to land on my hand, I become restless. Then, three things can happen (anuba, hehe, suddenly, I find joy in enumerating) : (1) I make it roll through my fingers nonstop until the ink blots; (2) I doodle on any sheet of paper lying around until there's no more space in it to write on; or (3) In the absence of a paper, I make (somekinduva) tattoo art on my hand until it can't get any messier.

Look, Ma, I can draw. Hehe. (It's the HAND that I consider art, not my face awryt?!). Image courtesy of Ate Normi, Thanks mwah!

Artwork Number Two. Having DSL connection (in the office, as for my case) allows one to think of creative ways to chat, especially when you've been chatting with one person for hours and you've got nothing left to talk about. Mikks and I came up with another brilliant work of art today, while YM-ing. Definitely post-worthy. :P

Kinder-ish, I know, but art, just the same. :P

Hehe. Should I take a bow now? Hay nako. Life.. It gets unnoticed at times. I guess that's why we are taught to love our own. Yeah, yeah.

The Lost Part. Just this afternoon, on the way to work, I lost my cellphone. Seriously, I didn't care about the phone since (1) it's an old 6510 anyway; (2) just recently, I broke it's plastic screen; and (3) it's screaming 'replacement' so I'm planning to get one anytime real soon.

But then, it dawned on me that (1) it's got more than a year's worth of text messages that I still haven't figured out how to live without (aww whatta geek); (2) it's got over 500 contacts of old friends whom I haven't seen a long time, and just recently, of people that I have freelance businesses with—there's no way I can recover all of them again; (3) it would prolly take a few days, weeks even, for me to get a new phone, so that would mean I'd be out of reach for a long while (No social life? How do I live??).

I sank deeper and deeper into depression, pacified by the company of my lovely lovely lovely lovely girlfriends at work, who took a break from their tasks in the name of friendship. Haha, I'm such a brat. I whined and whined to four helpless officemates, who sympathized with me the best they can over a bag of chips and apple C2s.

Now just when I was about to let the tears flow over the lost of my precious cellphone text messages, my Mom, through Joni's cellphone, called to tell me that the phone was found. I managed to control myself from violent acts of euphoria. I calmly smiled, listened to Mom re-tell the story about how the driver of the cab (the one I took to get to the office) volunteered to drop off the phone to where my parents were, whispered a silent "thank you, Lord", hanged up, and sheepishly told my symphatizers the good news.

It was a hard transition, to be whining at one moment, and to be celebrating the next. Hehe, kakahiya. What can I say, God is good. He's always been, even in little details of life such as (almost) losing a phone. I wonder, had He just demonstrated to me how it feels everytime we lose our way and find our way back? Oh, I bet the feeling is gazillion times greater than that. c",)

As for the taxi driver, the little amount of reward my Dad gave him upon returning the phone ain't enough, so I send my sincerest prayers that whoever and wherever he is, God will bless his kind heart more.

The Toxic Part. Right now, I'm juggling FOUR+ jobs at a time—one full-time, three freelance, plus a couple of personal web projects scattered around the web. Can anyone spell toxic? Good thing is, we're back to midshift schedule (1pm-10pm), so I get to spend the night working on the part-time gigs.

It's a breather to have seen Steven Curtis Chapman's concert with Mikks Sunday night. Astig, pramis. Add it up to Sunday morning's worship service, and the girls' Bible Study in the afternoon.. and just now, the lost and found of, not only my phone, but myself as well.. hay, I'm all charged up.Ü Inspite of everything that's toxic, this is going to be one lovely lovely week (don't you just looove the L-word?Ü).

So there goes another one of my sporadic blog entries, thankyouverymuch. Meanwhile, I'm hungry. Who wants peanutbutter? :P

I spent two hours doing this layout, plus an hour more tweaking and editting loose ends. But now that it's up, I feel as if I've forgotten how to blog. Yay. Kamusta naman jan.

Change is good. But one thing I learned about myself today--I'm not so good at handling change. Which is quite frustrating because life, as we all know, is full of it. Maybe that's why I keep on trying to move my life around the way I want. Why I keep on changing layouts. Why I keep on moving stuff around the room. Why I change outfits several times over before I settle in one I'm comfortable with, everyday. Changes I can't handle in real life, I apply to the little, unimportant things.

Anyway, as for this new layout, I shall throw back all the credit to Mikks for the lovely header image. It's a snap shot from "Moving Up", a 3D animation project he came up with for Alphabet House last month. You should see the whole thing, it's almost like Monsters Inc, hehe. (Yeah, yeah, I've always been a fan.) Thanks Mikks. You still never fail to inspire, you, geek. :)

The tagline ain't my original, too, by the way. It's from the soundtrack of a Hilary Duff chic flick, I can't remember which one. So hey, thanks too, Hilary. There goes my originality. Yay. The only credit I can hoard to myself is my ability to put together pieces of other people's originals into a mesh of a layout. Teehee. :P

The layout is two days up and I'm looooving it. I love the cartoon-y effect. I love that it's not too serious, not too jumpy either. And I love that it's blue, it reminds me of the beach. Yayness. I want to go to the beach. Like NOW.

Pfft. I thought there's much to say, hehe. Now it doesn't seem like it. Manila is one big oven toaster, big changes are happening in the office, I'm getting addicted to coke again, I'm getting fat, and we're still on graveyard shift. Happy happy happy summer to me. c",)